ardea
New Member
Posts: 10
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Humor
Dec 3, 2008 21:23:48 GMT -5
Post by ardea on Dec 3, 2008 21:23:48 GMT -5
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Dec 3, 2008 23:55:38 GMT -5
Post by reallife on Dec 3, 2008 23:55:38 GMT -5
Lol!
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Dec 5, 2008 18:52:12 GMT -5
Post by canadianbacon on Dec 5, 2008 18:52:12 GMT -5
WHO IS JACK SCHITT
For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?
We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt'! Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.
Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, who married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.
Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.
Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt', you can correct them.
Sincerely, Crock O. Schitt
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Dec 5, 2008 18:54:43 GMT -5
Post by canadianbacon on Dec 5, 2008 18:54:43 GMT -5
REMEMBER THIS AT CHRISTMAS TIME According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.
Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of th em, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl.
We should've known... ONLY women would be able to drag a fat-ass man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.
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Dec 15, 2008 14:13:12 GMT -5
Post by reallife on Dec 15, 2008 14:13:12 GMT -5
This dog must be related to Gene Simmons of KISS.
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Dec 15, 2008 19:19:54 GMT -5
Post by md32350 on Dec 15, 2008 19:19:54 GMT -5
This dog must be related to Gene Simmons of KISS. Actually, She takes after her dad...LOL ;D
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ardea
New Member
Posts: 10
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Humor
Dec 23, 2008 17:31:14 GMT -5
Post by ardea on Dec 23, 2008 17:31:14 GMT -5
The dentist looks into the patient's mouth and says, "Holy smoke! That plate I installed in your mouth about six months ago is badly corroded. What have you been eating?"
The man replied, "The only thing different I can think of is, my wife made me some asparagus about four months ago with this stuff on it. She called it Hollandaise sauce."
The dentist responded, "That's probably it. Hollandaise sauce is made with lemon juice, which is acidic and highly corrosive. I'll have to make a new plate, but this time make it out of chrome."
"Why chrome?" the patient asked.
The dentist replied, "Well, everyone knows that there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise."
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Dec 28, 2008 9:59:16 GMT -5
Post by reallife on Dec 28, 2008 9:59:16 GMT -5
The dentist looks into the patient's mouth and says, "Holy smoke! That plate I installed in your mouth about six months ago is badly corroded. What have you been eating?" The man replied, "The only thing different I can think of is, my wife made me some asparagus about four months ago with this stuff on it. She called it Hollandaise sauce." The dentist responded, "That's probably it. Hollandaise sauce is made with lemon juice, which is acidic and highly corrosive. I'll have to make a new plate, but this time make it out of chrome." "Why chrome?" the patient asked. The dentist replied, "Well, everyone knows that there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise." Haha! I didn't see that coming.
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Jan 7, 2009 19:20:29 GMT -5
Post by reallife on Jan 7, 2009 19:20:29 GMT -5
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Jan 10, 2009 6:23:06 GMT -5
Post by cowboyvoice on Jan 10, 2009 6:23:06 GMT -5
North vs. South When a visitor to a small town in Georgia came upon a wild dog attacking a young boy, he quickly grabbed the animal and throttled it with his two hands.
A reporter saw the incident, congratulated the man and told him the headline the following day would read, "Valiant Local Man Saves Child by Killing Vicious Animal."
The hero told the journalist that he wasn't from that town.
"Well, then," the reporter said, "the headline will probably say, 'Georgia Man Saves Child by Killing Dog'."
"Actually," the man said, "I'm from Connecticut."
"In that case," the reporter said in a huff, "the headline should read, 'Yankee Kills Family Pet'."
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Jan 15, 2009 19:10:57 GMT -5
Post by canadianbacon on Jan 15, 2009 19:10:57 GMT -5
The Movie Encyclopedia =======================
There are some things in life that you would never know if it weren't for Hollywood.
A great movie - "The Family Man" Every married man with kids should see this.
Without The Movies you wouldn't know this:
** During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
** When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
** If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of year.
** All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to the waist level on the man lying beside her.
** The Chief of Police will almost always suspend his star detective - or give him 48 hours to finish the job.
** All grocery bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.
** It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone to talk you down.
** The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place - no one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building undetected.
** Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned to a partner who is their polar opposite.
** The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
** All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they are going to go off.
** If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition, even if you haven't been carrying any before now.
** You are very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
** Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language - a German accent will do.
** If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.
** A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
** When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
** Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
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thevoice
Full Member
News the way it should be
Posts: 249
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Jan 16, 2009 3:12:03 GMT -5
Post by thevoice on Jan 16, 2009 3:12:03 GMT -5
That was funny
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Jan 16, 2009 20:46:02 GMT -5
Post by cowboyvoice on Jan 16, 2009 20:46:02 GMT -5
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'she's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.' 'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?' And then the fight started.....
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thevoice
Full Member
News the way it should be
Posts: 249
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Humor
Jan 16, 2009 21:13:53 GMT -5
Post by thevoice on Jan 16, 2009 21:13:53 GMT -5
Lol!
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Jan 17, 2009 16:29:15 GMT -5
Post by cowboyvoice on Jan 17, 2009 16:29:15 GMT -5
When everyone on earth was dead and waiting to enter Paradise, God appeared and said, 'I want the men to make two lines.
One line for the men who were true heads of their household and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women . I want all the women to report to St. Peter.'
Soon, the women were gone and there were two lines of men. The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long, and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man.
God said, 'You men should be ashamed of yourselves, I created you to be the head of your household! 'You have been disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose! Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him.'
God turned to the one man, 'How did you manage to be the only one in this line?'
The man replied, 'My wife told me to stand here.'
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