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Humor
Jul 28, 2009 8:38:59 GMT -5
Post by liberty on Jul 28, 2009 8:38:59 GMT -5
The Four Worms...
A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol - Dead
The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead
Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead
Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.
So the Minister asked the congregation -
What did you learn from this demonstration???
Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,
'As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!' Gotta love Maxine!
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Humor
Jul 28, 2009 11:56:21 GMT -5
Post by cowboyvoice on Jul 28, 2009 11:56:21 GMT -5
Two old guys were chatting..... One said to the other: "My 70th birthday was yesterday. The wife gave me an SUV". Other guy responded: "Wow, that's amazing!!..... Imagine, an SUV!!.. What a great gift!" First guy: "Yup !!.... Socks, Underwear and Viagra!"
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Humor
Sept 10, 2009 20:01:02 GMT -5
Post by canadianbacon on Sept 10, 2009 20:01:02 GMT -5
The questions about Canada are along the same lines as some I have been asked over the years. It really makes me wonder if people know that Canada is actually attached to the US. It is like some folks think it is another planet LOL.
Now that Vancouver has won the chance to host the 2010 Winter Olympics, these are some questions people from all over the world are asking.
Believe it or not these questions about Canada were posted on an International Tourism Website. Obviously the answers are a joke; but the questions were really asked!
Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow? ( England ) A. We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them die. Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? ( USA ) A: Depends on how much you've been drinking. Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto - can I follow the Railroad tracks? ( Sweden ) A: Sure, it's only Four thousand miles, take lots of water. Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada ? (Sweden ) A: So it's true what they say about Swedes. Q: Are there any ATM's (cash machines) in Canada ? Can you send me a list of them in Toronto , Vancouver , Edmonton and Halifax ? ( England ) A: No, but you'd better bring a few extra furs for trading purposes. Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada ? ( USA ) A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe Ca-na-da is that big country to your North...oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary Come naked. Q: Which direction is North in Canada ? ( USA ) A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions. Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada ? ( England ) A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do. Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA ) A: Aus-t ri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary , straight after the hippo races. Come naked. Q: Do you have perfume in Canada ? ( Germany ) A: No, WE don't stink. Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Where can I sell it in Canada ? ( USA ) A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather. Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population? ( Italy ) A: Yes, gay nightclubs. Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada ? ( USA ) A: Only at Thanksgiving. Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round? ( Germany ) A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan hunter/gathers. Milk is illegal. Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada , but I forget its name. It's a kind of big horse with horns. ( USA ) A: It's called a Moose. They are tall and very violent, eating the brains of anyone walking close to them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking. Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA ) A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.
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Humor
Sept 18, 2009 0:05:01 GMT -5
Post by papredoll on Sept 18, 2009 0:05:01 GMT -5
Ppppppppaaapredoll! It's actually some weird vibrating speaker. Time to hook up the old quadraphonic. You can't get this in Alabama!
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Humor
Oct 19, 2009 12:37:19 GMT -5
Post by cowboyvoice on Oct 19, 2009 12:37:19 GMT -5
The Power of Alcohol....
A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.
After 21 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.
Swoooosh! Plop! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into whoops of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink!"
The bartender continues to shake his head in dismay . Swoooosh! Plip! Plop! Two arms pop out.
The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink! Take another drink!" The bartender ignores the whole affair and goes back to polishing glasses, shaking his head, clearly unimpressed by the amazing scenes.
By now the boy is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Plop! Plip! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos.
The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left then staggers to the right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly. The bar falls silent.
The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says,
*
*
(Wait for it.)
*
*
*
(It's coming.)
*
* (Ya ready?)
*
*
* (Don't hate me!)
*
*
* (Yer gonna hate me!)
*
*
* (Take a deep breath)
*
*
* " He should've quit while he was a head!"
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