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Humor
Jan 31, 2009 5:15:48 GMT -5
Post by dobbie on Jan 31, 2009 5:15:48 GMT -5
Its good when your wife send you next door to get some sugar and you get kissed
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Humor
Jan 31, 2009 19:15:07 GMT -5
Post by cowboyvoice on Jan 31, 2009 19:15:07 GMT -5
One morning 3 Alabama good ol’ boys and 3 Yankees were in a ticket line at the Birmingham train station heading to Atlanta for a big football game. The 3 Northerners each bought a ticket and watched as the 3 Southerners bought just one ticket among them. "How are the 3 of you going to travel on one 1 ticket?" asked one of the Yankees. "Watch and learn" answered one of the boys from the South. When the 6 travelers boarded the train, the 3 Yankees sat down, but the 3 Southerners crammed into a bathroom together and closed the door. Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around to collect tickets. He knocked on the bathroom door and said, "tickets please." the door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The Conductor took it and moved on. The Yankees saw this happen and agreed it was quite a clever idea. Indeed, so clever that they decided to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money. That evening after the game when they got to the Atlanta train station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip while to their astonishment the 3 Southerners didn't buy even 1 ticket. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asked one of the perplexed Yankees. "Watch and learn", answered one of the Southern boys. When they boarded the train the 3 Northerners crammed themselves into a bathroom and the 3 Southerners crammed themselves into the other bathroom across from it. Shortly after the train began to move, one of the Southerners left their bathroom and walked quietly over to the Yankee's bathroom. He knocked on the door and said "ticket please". There's just no way on God's green earth to explain how the Yankees won the war...
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Humor
Feb 1, 2009 15:12:36 GMT -5
Post by magnusalistir on Feb 1, 2009 15:12:36 GMT -5
On Groundhog Day what does it mean if the groundhog sees a stupid monster? You'll have six more weeks of stupidity!
What would you get if you crossed February 2 with a puppy? Ground-dog Day! What happened when the groundhog met the dogcatcher? He became a pound hog!
What happens if the ground log sees its shadow? We'll have six more weeks of splinters!
Why was the groundhog depressed about his den? He was having a bad lair day!
What would you get if you crossed February 2 with a Christmas drink? Ground Nog Day!
What's green, has four legs, and jumps out of its hole on February 2? The ground frog!
;D ;D ;D
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Humor
Feb 3, 2009 4:20:18 GMT -5
Post by cowboyvoice on Feb 3, 2009 4:20:18 GMT -5
"This year, taxpayers will receive an Economic Stimulus Payment. This is a very
exciting new program that I will explain using the Q and A format:
"Q. What is an Economic Stimulus Payment?
"A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.
"Q. Where will the government get this money?
"A. From taxpayers.
"Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
"A. Only a smidgen.
"Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
"A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
"Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?
"A. Shut up."
Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the US economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:
If you spend that money at Wal-Mart, all the money will go to China .
If you spend it on gasoline it will go to the Arabs.
If you purchase a computer it will go to India .
If you purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico , Honduras , and
Guatemala (unless you buy organic).
If you buy a car it will go to Japan .
If you purchase useless crap it will go to Taiwan .
And none of it will help the American economy.
We need to keep that money here in America .
You can keep the money in America by spending it at yard sales, going to a baseball game, or spend it on prostitutes, beer (domestic ONLY), or tattoos, since those are the only businesses still left in the US.
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Humor
Feb 4, 2009 20:26:51 GMT -5
Post by md32350 on Feb 4, 2009 20:26:51 GMT -5
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are (purportedly) things people actually said in court, word for word, taken Down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of Staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. Hard to believe some of these - but they are pretty funny.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is Susan! ____________ _________ _________ _________ _____
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. ____________ _________ _________ _________ _____
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? WITNESS: No, I just lie there. ____________ _________ _________ _________ _____
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget. ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? ____________ _________ _________ _________ ____
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo? WITNESS: We both do. ATTORNEY: Voodoo? WITNESS: We do. ATTORNEY: You do? WITNESS: Yes, voodoo. ____________ _________ _________ _________ _____
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn`t it true that when a person dies in his Sleep, he doesn`t know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? ____________ _________ _________ ______
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year- old, how old is he? WITNESS: He`s twenty, much like your IQ. ____________ _________ _________ _________ ____
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Are you sh*tting me? ____________ _________ _________ _________ __
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS: getting laid ____________ _________ _________ _________ _____
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? WITNESS : Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a New attorney? ____________ _________ _________ _________ _____
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________ _________ _________ _________ _____
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard. ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I`m going with male. _________ ____________ _________ _______
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a Deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ____________ _________ _________ ________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight. ____________ _________ _________ _________ __
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral. ____________ _________ _________ _________ __
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished. ____________ _________ _________ _________ _____
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question? ____________ _ ____________ _________ ____
And the best for last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you Began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing Law.
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thevoice
Full Member
News the way it should be
Posts: 249
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Humor
Feb 5, 2009 3:21:15 GMT -5
Post by thevoice on Feb 5, 2009 3:21:15 GMT -5
I laughed so hard my dog woke up and started barking at me!!
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Humor
Feb 5, 2009 5:16:04 GMT -5
Post by cowboyvoice on Feb 5, 2009 5:16:04 GMT -5
Story to a Friend | Top Lemons A woman went to a Florida lemon grove to apply for a job, but the foreman thought she seemed way too qualified for the position. "Do you even have any actual experience picking lemons?" he asked.
"Well, I think I do." she replied. "I've been divorced three times."
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Humor
Feb 9, 2009 22:54:44 GMT -5
Post by md32350 on Feb 9, 2009 22:54:44 GMT -5
Top ten ways not to greet the responding officers
1. “Yeah the music’s loud- what are you gonna do about it?”
2. Wearing a thong, holding a sword in one hand and a joint in the other.
3. “Hey tough guy, I called like an hour ago.”
4. Running away.
5. (Two man team, one black cop, one white cop) “Alright now who’s Crockett and who’s Tubbs.”
6. A makeshift billboard made out of bed sheets hung on front of residence of said complaint that reads “I PAY YOUR SALARY!”
7. Gunfire.
8. A trained army of poop-throwing monkeys.
9. “Listen guys it’s not as bad as it looks. The blood on my shirt is from a paper cut and the body in the hallway is actually just a mannequin. I don’t know what my neighbor told you but that guy’s got in for me just because I’m a registered sex offender.
10. Hugs and kisses.
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Humor
Feb 10, 2009 20:46:57 GMT -5
Post by cowboyvoice on Feb 10, 2009 20:46:57 GMT -5
Weddings and Funerals
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next."
They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
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Humor
Feb 10, 2009 20:58:12 GMT -5
Post by md32350 on Feb 10, 2009 20:58:12 GMT -5
Weddings and Funerals Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals. Too Darn Funny, I just hurt myself laughing!!!!
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Humor
Feb 10, 2009 21:12:14 GMT -5
Post by cowboyvoice on Feb 10, 2009 21:12:14 GMT -5
Weddings and Funerals Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals. Too Darn Funny, I just hurt myself laughing!!!! Be careful deputy, there's only so much sick leave to go around. LOL. Like your light display on your posts. Yard Work The homeowner got into his old work clothes one Saturday morning and set about all the chores his wife had been urging him to do all week. He cleaned the garage, pruned the hedge, and was halfway through mowing the lawn when a woman pulled up in the driveway and called out her window, "Say, what do you get for yard work?" The fellow thought for a moment, then answered, "The lady who lives here lets me sleep with her."
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Humor
Feb 17, 2009 20:23:23 GMT -5
Post by canadianbacon on Feb 17, 2009 20:23:23 GMT -5
Too Darn Funny, I just hurt myself laughing!!!! Be careful deputy, there's only so much sick leave to go around. LOL. Like your light display on your posts. Yard Work The homeowner got into his old work clothes one Saturday morning and set about all the chores his wife had been urging him to do all week. He cleaned the garage, pruned the hedge, and was halfway through mowing the lawn when a woman pulled up in the driveway and called out her window, "Say, what do you get for yard work?" The fellow thought for a moment, then answered, "The lady who lives here lets me sleep with her." LOL Mr. Bacon better not try that
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Humor
Feb 20, 2009 6:24:09 GMT -5
Post by cowboyvoice on Feb 20, 2009 6:24:09 GMT -5
Yellow Teeth Patient: "Doctor, I have yellow teeth, what do I do?"
Dentist: "Wear a brown tie..."
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Humor
Feb 22, 2009 6:16:10 GMT -5
Post by cowboyvoice on Feb 22, 2009 6:16:10 GMT -5
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test The optician showed him a card with the letters
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' 'Can you read this?' the optician asked. 'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'
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thevoice
Full Member
News the way it should be
Posts: 249
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Humor
Feb 22, 2009 12:29:12 GMT -5
Post by thevoice on Feb 22, 2009 12:29:12 GMT -5
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test The optician showed him a card with the letters 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' 'Can you read this?' the optician asked. 'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.' Lol!!!
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