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Humor
Apr 30, 2009 4:27:51 GMT -5
Post by cowboyvoice on Apr 30, 2009 4:27:51 GMT -5
Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so St. Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"
The first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell-but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge, and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."
"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.
The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.
"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."
Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.
The third man came to the front of the line, and St. Peter asked for his story.
"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."
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thevoice
Full Member
News the way it should be
Posts: 249
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Humor
May 4, 2009 17:58:32 GMT -5
Post by thevoice on May 4, 2009 17:58:32 GMT -5
Click on the HD button once the video starts. With my connection speed I still have to pause it and let it load. It's worth it. I hate grainy/poor quality videos.
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Humor
May 10, 2009 14:29:33 GMT -5
Post by cowboyvoice on May 10, 2009 14:29:33 GMT -5
A CLASSIC CLASSIFIED:
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER . 8-years old. Hateful little bastard. Bites!
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thevoice
Full Member
News the way it should be
Posts: 249
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Humor
May 11, 2009 22:40:42 GMT -5
Post by thevoice on May 11, 2009 22:40:42 GMT -5
From my website ;D Digital TV Converter Box Problems
If your using an antenna along with the new digital converter box, you may be experiencing reception issues. After many painstaking hours of experimenting, I have compiled a list of things that may or may not cause these problems:
Poor antenna placement Power lines Wind Rain Clouds A clear sky A tree within 5000ft A car on the interstate (Regardless of where you live) The moon Mosquitos Bad weather in China Air pockets A ringing phone Cows Turning a doorknob A fire alarm in Lake City The good part of a movie or your favorite TV show Sand Considering sattelite TV A rooster crowing The earth's rotation An antenna less than 1,000ft tall
Looking directly at the screen Breathing Counting money Exhaling (Inhaling seems okay) Smiling Turning on the TV Drinking water The Suwannee River Owning a pet Time A fence post Low tire pressure on a neighbor's 4 wheeler This website Leaving a light on Turning the light off Saying the word "Bajeebaz" The Gators winning a game (Or not) A lone coyote
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Humor
May 12, 2009 7:30:56 GMT -5
Post by jess on May 12, 2009 7:30:56 GMT -5
RECESSION is when your neighbor loses his job
DEPRESSION is when you lose your job
RECOVERY is when Obama loses his job
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Humor
May 12, 2009 13:12:44 GMT -5
Post by cowboyvoice on May 12, 2009 13:12:44 GMT -5
Why did the chicken cross the road???
Dr. Seuss's answer:
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.
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Humor
May 16, 2009 20:35:52 GMT -5
Post by cowboyvoice on May 16, 2009 20:35:52 GMT -5
Three ladies were discussing the trials of getting older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, while standing in front of the refrigerator, and I can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich."
The second lady chimed in with, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down."
The third one responded, " Well, ladies, I'm glad I don't have that problem. Knock on wood," as she rapped her knuckles on the table, and then said, "That must be the door, I'll get it!"
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thevoice
Full Member
News the way it should be
Posts: 249
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Humor
May 18, 2009 23:08:32 GMT -5
Post by thevoice on May 18, 2009 23:08:32 GMT -5
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Humor
May 19, 2009 5:53:22 GMT -5
Post by cowboyvoice on May 19, 2009 5:53:22 GMT -5
Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car..
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Humor
May 29, 2009 14:11:24 GMT -5
Post by cowboyvoice on May 29, 2009 14:11:24 GMT -5
Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room.
The first kid leans over and asks, 'What are you in here for?'
The second kid says, 'I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous.'
The first kid says, 'You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jello and ice cream. It's a breeze.
'The second kid then asks, 'What are you here for?' The first kid says, 'A circumcision.'
'Whoa!' the second kid replies. 'Good luck buddy.
I had that done when I was born.
Couldn't walk for a year.
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thevoice
Full Member
News the way it should be
Posts: 249
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Humor
Jun 6, 2009 21:40:19 GMT -5
Post by thevoice on Jun 6, 2009 21:40:19 GMT -5
Self explanatory
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Humor
Jun 14, 2009 5:28:56 GMT -5
Post by cowboyvoice on Jun 14, 2009 5:28:56 GMT -5
THINGS I LEARNED LIVIN' IN Florida
1) A possum is a flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the road.
2) There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 of them live in Florida ..
3) There are 10,000 types of spiders, and all 10,000 of them live in Florida .
4) If it grows, it'll stick ya. If it crawls, it'll bite cha.
5) "Onced" and "Twiced" are words.
6) It is not a shopping cart, it's a buggy.
7) "Jawl-P?" means, "Did y'all go to the bathroom?"
8) People actually grow and eat okra.
9) "Fixinto" is one word.
10) There is no such thing as lunch. There is only dinner and then there is supper...
11) Iced tea is appropriate for all meals, and you start drinking it when you're two. We do like a little tea with our sugar.
12) Backwards and forwards means, "I know everythin' bout you."
13) The word "jeet" is actually a phrase meaning, "Did you eat?"
14) You don't have to wear a watch, because it doesn't matter what time it is. You work until you're done or it's too dark to see...
15) You don't PUSH buttons, you MASH em.
16) You measure distance in minutes.
17) You switch from heat to A/C in the same day.
18) All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect, or animal.
19) You know what a "Dawg" is.
20) You carry jumper cables in your car - for your own car.
21) You only own five spices: salt, pepper, Everglades Season, Tabasco , and ketchup.
22) The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local gossip and FSU football...
23) You find 100 degrees "a bit warm."
24) You know all four seasons: Almost summer, summer, still summer, and Christmas.
25) Going to Walmart is a favorite past time known as "Goin' Walmartin" or "off to Wally World."
26) You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good gumbo weather.
27) Fried catfish is the other white meat.
28) We don't need no dang Driver's Ed...If our mama says we can drive, we can drive dag-nabbit.
29) You understand these jokes and forward them to your Florida friends and those who just wish they were from Florida !!!!!
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Humor
Jun 22, 2009 4:27:52 GMT -5
Post by cowboyvoice on Jun 22, 2009 4:27:52 GMT -5
Contestant Sally, on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" had reached the final plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, she would win $1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $25,000 milestone money.
And as she suspected the Million Dollar Question was no pushover. It was, "Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds? Is it:
A) the condor
B) the buzzard
C) the cuckoo
D) the vulture
The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. She had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Ask the Audience Lifeline.. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline. She hoped she would not have to use it because . . .. her friend was, well, a blonde. But she had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices.
The blonde responded unhesitatingly: "That's easy. The answer is C: the cuckoo."
The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving any answer except the one that her friend had given her. And considering her friend was a blonde that would seem to be the logical thing to do. But her friend had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be convinced.
Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, "C: The cuckoo."
"Is that your final answer?"
"Yes, that is my final answer."
"That answer is Absolutely correct! You are now a millionaire!"
Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends, including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars.
"Jeni, I just do not know how to thank you," said the contestant. "How did you happen to know the right answer?"
"Oh, come on," said the blonde. "Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests. They live in clocks."
Sally fainted.
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Humor
Jul 21, 2009 17:51:49 GMT -5
Post by cowboyvoice on Jul 21, 2009 17:51:49 GMT -5
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly: 'I have something I must confess.' 'There's no need to, 'his wife replied. 'No,' he insisted, 'I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!' 'I know,' she replied. 'Now just rest and let the poison work
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Humor
Jul 22, 2009 9:02:50 GMT -5
Post by papredoll on Jul 22, 2009 9:02:50 GMT -5
I laughed so hard at the end when he turns green! Hope you don't mind me posting this Mr. Voice.
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